You can't decide what you want

On different types of want, a switch in the mind, and things we can actually control.

Hey there!

I’ve been wondering about the different types of “wants” I experience in my daily life.

Probably I’m turning a simple concept into a convoluted one, but I’ve come to think that not all wants have the same feel to it.

I’ll take journaling as an example.

• ❗When I say “want”, I actually mean “should.”
  I want to keep a journal = I should keep a journal — This happens when, for example, I hear a bunch of people saying how journaling is useful for mental health, so it would be good if I’d try. But, deep down, I have no interest in doing it, other than the fact that other people say to do it.

• 🤩 When I say “want”, I actually mean “I want to be able to do that.”
  I want to keep a journal = I want to be able to keep a journal — Someone tells me about their great experience with journaling and it resonates within me. Or I watch videos of beautifully decorated bullet journals (I’ve been there…): I’m inspired and I desire to be able to do that. It’s tricky because sometimes the inspiration leads to wanting to learn how to do it, but more often it leads to the desire of already being able to do that. That creates dissatisfaction because I’m not at that point yet.

• 🤔 When I say “want”, I actually mean “I want to want to.”
  I want to keep a journal = I want to want to keep a journal — I know intellectually that the process of keeping a journal would be good for me. It’s something that I’ve wanted to do for a long time, and maybe started, but didn’t keep up with. I have all these mental reasons why this thing is great, but… I don’t always “feel” it. Getting myself to stick to it is damn hard.

• 💪🏼 When I say “want”, I mean “want.”
  I want to keep a journal — The real deal. I wonder if it could even mean I need to keep a journal. Not in the sense that I “should” do it, but that I’ve arrived at the mental point where I’m putting aside time for it and exerting energy to do it, willingly. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’d rather keep a journal, than not keep a journal. I believe that the difficulty of putting this into words comes from the fact that it’s a feeling rather than a thought.

I took journaling as an example because I may have experienced all of these steps through it.

I’ve been trying to journal since I was in middle school—most of the time I’d keep on writing for a couple of weeks, and then abandon it. Every once in a while I’d try to go back at it. Honestly, I’m not sure why? A part of me really wanted to be the kind of person who keeps a journal, I guess.

Around 5 or 6 years ago my efforts became more and more consistent. Step by step I came up with a system that works for me, that makes it easy and fun.

Now, it’s ingrained in me. I’m not writing an entry every day—actually, sometimes I skip entire months. But the point is, I eventually and naturally go back to it. I could list reasons over reasons why I keep on doing it, but I don’t feel like any of them capture the feeling of it. The best way I can put it is that I’ve come to the point that I’d rather keep a journal than not.

Sure, I could say that I keep a journal because I’m an incredibly disciplined and focused person or whatever 😎 but really, that’s not it. It’s more like a switch went off in my mind at some point, and since then I’ve decided that journaling is important to me.

That thought throws me in a loop, though, because I don’t think I decided to turn that switch. It just happened.

It kind of makes sense. If I accept that “true wanting” is a feeling, well, I don’t really get to decide to feel in a specific way. Feelings are one of those things that happen.

It’s just that sometimes I get so worked up because I can’t bring myself to want to do something—and probably I’m not alone? I wish it could be a decision: that I could willingly turn that switch in my mind and ta-da here we are, motivated and disciplined!

It reminds me of a metaphor used by Dr. K¹ (to be exact, he uses it to explain meditation, so I don’t know if it’s fitting in this context… I’ll tell it anyway).

How do we fall asleep?

Falling asleep is not really an action that we perform. It eventually happens of course, but, in itself, it’s not something we decide to do. We go to bed under the covers, turn off the lights, close our eyes, and then… we kinda wait? And, if we’re lucky, we will fall asleep.

The funny thing is that, often, the harder we try, the less successful we are. The more we stress about it, the more we stay awake.

I wonder if “true wanting” is also something like that. If we’re lucky, the switch will turn on.

But with sleeping there are a ton of things that we can do to higher our chances. We may not have control over falling asleep, but we can control other behaviors of ours: we can go to bed at the same time and wake up at the same time; exercise so that we are tired in the evening; avoid screens when it’s getting late; and so on. We can control our environment: keep our sleeping room dark and cold; have a good mattress and pillow; I heard a white noise machine is also good if we want to be fancy (btw, no, I’m not doing even half of the things I’m listing 🤣).

The same goes with wanting to do something difficult, I’d imagine. I found myself in the past often thinking the typical, “If I truly wanted to do something, if I were passionate about it, then I’d just do it”. There’s truth in it, but it’s not helpful. It doesn’t tell me anything about how to nurture that “wanting”.

I’ve been thinking about all of this because of writing, of course. The switch has turned and I have concluded that I’d rather write than not. However, writing is definitely not as ingrained in me as journaling. Not yet, at least.

Also, as of right now, I don’t have right off the bat a useful list of things to do to nurture that “want”. That sounds like a good topic for another entry.

Have you ever wondered what kind of “want” are you experiencing? Did you ever experience the “turning the switch” moment? Or do you think I’m overcomplicating something much simpler?

If you have any thoughts on what I shared, let me know by simply replying to this email!

Take care,

Rye Youbs

1. Dr. K—A psychotherapist turned streamer, whose content I love. The reference to the sleep part comes from his Guide on meditation, but it’s behind a paywall. I found another interesting and useful video that fits with the topic, though: Discipline is Actually An Emotion.